A note

Honestly, I rarely share my thought and worry to people, let alone on public/social media. I keep telling myself it's not okay showing my sadness, to speak out the feeling I have. I don't want anyone to judge me. I want to be known only the good things. Or even better know nothing than give me a random and meaningless comment. I always try to smile, joking, caring, being helpful, and respect people. I don't want anyone to pity me. I even hide my social media account under different name, so that they couldn't find my not so professional posts. I am not even good at words. 4 years ago, when my dad passed away, I didn't shed a tear in front of my family and relatives. They don't have idea I was silently crying every night. I was suffocating. Till the hardest time came, few months later. The time when I realize that he is gone, like for real, and he will never come back. Then there is no one who pat my back and hug me tight when I am feeling sad or the one who will give me a sincere smile and thumbs up when I did something well. It hit me hard. And I learned one thing from that day. Even in a world without dad, life goes on. I still have my mom. One day I had a meeting with a friend who asked me how I look strong being the only child, after my dad died, far away from my mom. I said no, I am not strong. I cried so hard telling this and that someone should cherish the moment they had with the ones they love, especially their parents, while they live. Because mine has gone. Do you know? How am I struggling to be able to sleep? How I woke up every night, to pray for my dad, to pray for my mom to be always healthy and how I wish I can be by her side everyday, wishing for my closest friends and people I truly care to be able to achieve all of their goals? When my heart broken because of silly thing, one of my closest friend kidding me to just die, I took that joke. And the other one who making fun of me not being able to move on yet, I laughed it off. That thing, that silly thing, affected me so much. A sudden loss of an external motivation took me off guard. I was a someone doing a routine, more like a zombie. Still, I survive. I need to survive. I don't even have any courage to write things about my family. And yesterday, the unexpected and unfortunate event happened. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Someone that indirectly gives me joy, keeps me sane, inspires me, left this world. I don't know what to say, how to respond. He is not related to me in real life, he probably doesn't know I'm exist, he is just public figure and I'm just a fan through his music. He doesn't even have the same religion as me. Okay. I just shared a phrase. A PHRASE about losing someone. I didn't even share the story behind it. And out of nowhere, someone replied, commented that I was exaggerating, that I overreacted. Please. Enough with the judgement. Can anyone keep the harsh word by themselves? Can you not make an assumption and say nothing if you don't know what happened? You hurt me with your word. Don't put your feet into my shoes. It will never fit. I really wish I didn't write this for begging a little respect. At least a respect to a lost life and for the people who are in deep suffering. I don't need an understanding. Life still goes on and it will still so hard. I should continue living in this world. Being grateful for what I have. To move forward. No one knows who will be next. Note: Thank you to my closest friends, and to the ones who always by my side, Mom, I love you. And to the one who gives me a reason to write this. You have worked hard.